he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
