You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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