so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I love you.
Bad choice
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
