Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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