I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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