An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
