I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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