Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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