So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
