you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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