Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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