I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
