If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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