I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
