Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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