Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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