i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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