It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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