sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
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I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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