im holly from the hills drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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