Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
