the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
