I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
