My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
