mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
