Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
