I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
