Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
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I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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