So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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