Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
