Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
