hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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