he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
