Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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