Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
