thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
