Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
