I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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