I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
my liver is dry heaving
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
