so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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