You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
