I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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