Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
