UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
