So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
