I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
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If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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