I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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