God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
