hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
