3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
