Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
