I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
