im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sext me about skeletons
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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