he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
