He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Boobs are out for the taking
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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