dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
