I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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