Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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