i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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