The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
