i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
