he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
