I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
